


How Do You Solve a Problem Like...

by mattzerella_sticks



Series: Season 13 Inspired [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 13X04, Angel Radio, Angel Shipping Wars, F/M, Fluff, Heaven, Longing, M/M, Swearing and Euphemisms, Theories, the big empty, total crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-06
Updated: 2017-11-06
Packaged: 2019-01-30 02:51:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12644649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks
Summary: When the angels discover Castiel is alive, they have no idea what to do. But one has an idea of just why the angel keeps coming back... if the very notion didn't inspire a heated argument.





	How Do You Solve a Problem Like...

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't really written something like this and I don't think it's my best work but I think it's funny so I hope y'all enjoy it to.

            “…so as you can see from this chart, with Crowley’s recent ‘abjection’ has stemmed the flow of souls going towards Hell and is allowing us to finally have a net gain.”

            Flagstaff clicks for the next slide, where a picture of Asmodeus grins evilly out towards the other occupants of the angelic boardroom. Nearly every angel squirms, save for Lily who sits at the head of the table. Her hands are folded neatly across the solid mahogany, and her face is set in near determination.

            “However,” Flagstaff continues, “the threat from Hell is still present – especially now that Asmodeus is trying to bring war to our doorsteps. We have knowledge that he was near successful in releasing the Shedim –“

            “What stopped him?” Lily asks, drawing all eyes towards her.

            Flagstaff looks away, biting at her lip.

            “Well?”

            “It was,” Flagstaff sighs, “the Winchesters… and the Nephilim.”

            “Of course,” Lily says, rising in frustration. She paces towards Flagstaff slowly, her words hanging over each and every angel present at their conference, “The Winchesters and their newest _ally_. Remind me… how has the investigation into finding him been going?”

            “It is… still in the works,” Conrad answers, shakily, “We thought we had a trace but suddenly he… disappeared?”

            “And have we discovered any new ways we could harness his powers for our benefit?”

            “That has also hit a few snags,” Asariel says, bowing her head slightly to avoid Lily’s searching eyes.

            “Unfortunate,” Lily says, pausing in front of Flagstaff. She puts a firm hand on her elbow and tilts her head to the side.

            “Of course,” Flagstaff bows, walking back to her seat.

            “Now,” Lily starts, “let me start by saying that I don’t like when I have to act like this. But sometimes, a heavy hand is what’s best in these types of situations: where you’re forced against a corner with no clear victory in sight. Hell is getting stronger by the day, culling their ‘weak’ and putting their soldiers through vicious training regiments I have the common decency and respect not to force upon you! But if they launched an attack we would not only be outnumbered we would be _outmatched_! And we shouldn’t have to rely on two pesky humans to solve our problems for us! We need that Nephilim so we can show Hell just how powerful Heaven is-woah!”

            The room shakes, and each and every angel along with it. Lily almost falls, having to brace against the wall to support herself.

            “What… was that?”

            “Could it be Hell, ma’am?” Ingrid asks, rising along with everyone else.

            “No, no…” Nathaniel says, his hand smooth across his brow, “it was… something else. Don’t you feel it? Like this huge… brick of emotion was just shrugged off of Heaven’s shoulders.”

            The others look around, delving with their grace into Heaven’s soul. Indeed, a heavy fixture that was burdened upon them recently has been uprooted and stolen.

            “But that’s not possible,” Conrad says, “we all agreed we would just let it pile up until he died!”

            “Someone must have tapped into it,” Flagstaff butts in, “Almost collapsing us like a Jenga Tower!”

            “But who would be stupid enough to –“ Lily’s eyes widen, “…no.”

            “Ma’am?”

            She turns, reaching out with her grace to follow the trail of longing that was taken by the unnamed angel. She follows the power all the way to a bright field in the Midwest, where a familiar face is embracing it.

            “…Castiel?”

            “What?” Conrad asks, walking to her.

            “It’s Castiel,” she says louder, drawing everyone near.

            “No, it can’t be,” Ingrid shakes her head, “He’s dead. We all felt it. You _saw_ it!”

            “I saw him!” Lily turns, “I saw him draped in the hunter’s prayers! Who else would even want to _touch_ the longing that pours off of that human!?!”

            The room grows silent, and one by one they all return to their seats. Each is losts in their own thoughts, until a small cough interrupts them all.

            Asariel’s brows are furrowed, and she scans her eyes across the room.

            “Just how does Castiel keep coming back?”

            They sigh.

            “Who knows,” Conrad starts, “he’s like a cockroach. We think he’s dead but he just… finds a way?”

            “There has to be something more,” Flagstaff says, “It’s not like we can’t do the same thing?”

            “Do you want to test it out?” Conrad fires back. Flagstaff doesn’t answer.

            “It’s not just him,” Ingrid says, “There’s also Dean and Sam Winchester. Those two know more about coming back to life than anyone.”

            “Maybe they only tell those they _lay_ with?”

            “But what about Jess?”

            The group turns on Nathaniel.

            “Who?”  
            “You know… Jess? Sam’s girlfriend?” When no one else responds, Nathaniel sighs and moves towards a nearby white board.

            “Jess – Sam’s girlfriend – who slept with him and who is now dead,” He draws the line between Sam and Jess on the board before writing another name. “We also have Sarah, who although lived for a long time after meeting them, still ended up dead. As well as Madison, Ruby, and most recently – Eileen.”

            “Didn’t he also have another girlfriend?” Ingrid pipes up, “Amelia something-or-other? I don’t think she’s dead.”

            “You’re right,” Nathaniel chuckles, “But last year she got into a drunk-driving accident and _almost_ died!”

            “Jesus!” Conrad gapes, “What does that have to do with anything!”

            “It’s just a theory, but… I believe that anyone who was fucked by a Winchester has nothing but a horrible life ahead of them.”

            Silence.

            “You can’t be serious-“

            “But I am!” Nathaniel continues, “Mary Winchester – fucked by John Winchester. Dead, brought back to life… now stuck in an alternate dimension with Lucfier himself. Better than Kate Milligan, who John also fucked, but is now just dead.”

            “So?” Asariel asks, “Just because John and Sam have these… dicks of destruction, doesn’t mean anything about Castiel!”

            “I’m getting to it!” Nathaniel grumbles, before turning around to write a few more things down.

            Conrad leans towards Asariel and whispers, “You can’t be buying into this can you?”

            “Maybe?” she shrugs, “But I also want to see where this goes.”

            “Good point.”

            “Now Dean,” Nathaniel stabs at the whiteboard with his marker, “Slept with Anna – dead. Lisa? Alive, but her life isn’t anything special. Especially because she suffers from near-death experiences almost every six months.”

            “And Castiel?” Conrad asks, “How does he factor into this? Shouldn’t he be dead like the others?”

            “No, because from my theories… if getting fucked by a Winchester leads to misery and death… then _fucking_ a Winchester means that you’re granted eternal life.”

            Thankfully, there’s no silence this time. However, the uproar of disbelief is not what Nathaniel was expecting.

            “This is preposterous, how can you-“

            “-waste of our time and-“

            “-believe you think that’s a thing! And further more-“

            “Settle down settle down!” Nathaniel quiets them, “I assure you it’s a plausible theory!”

            “It’s a theory based on conjecture and happenstance,” Flagstaff starts, slamming her hands on the table, “There’re no tests! No data!”

            “Observational data is the same as primary data!”

            “That is qualitative at best and only suitable for designing your experiment not making wild claims!”

            “Oh, so you’re saying Dean and Castiel have not slept together _once_ in all the time they’ve known each other?”

            “Of course not!” Flagstaff yells, “I’m not denying that they’ve slept together but if you think you can claim that Castiel fucked Dean Winchester without certifiable proof then you are asking me to turn my back on the scientific method!”

            “It’s so obvious that Dean would get fucked by Castiel,” Ingrid says, “Have you looked at him?”

            “No way!” Conrad jumps in, “If there’s one person who would do the fucking it would be Dean Winchester. That boy has too many issues to allow someone near his prostate!”

            “But that’s why Castiel would be the only one!” Asariel says, “Dean trusts him so much he’d trust him with this, too!”

            “I can’t believe you would think Castiel would even know what to do down there!”

            “Castiel doesn’t take orders on the field why would he do so in the bedroom!”

            The group continues squabbling, while Lily nearly collapses onto the table in agony, wondering just how far her kind is squabbling if they’re spending their time debating Dean and Castiel’s relationship.

* * *

 

            Jack stares at his cereal, unable to eat. His head is close to exploding, the voices louder than usual. He groans and rubs at his temples.

            “You okay there Jack?” Sam asks from across the table. Dean gives him a curious look from next to Sam, but doesn’t say anything.

            “The voices… they’re louder than usual.”

            “Those feathery dicks up to something again?” Dean scoffs, taking a sip of beer, “Wonder what it could be this time?”

            “Jack?” Sam continues, “Can you understand what they’re saying?”

            “Not… really?” Jack says, looking at Dean, “Dean? What’s a ‘bottom’ and why are you one?”

            Dean nearly chokes on his beer. Sam’s mind has stopped working, but by the time Dean recovers from near death he’s started a slow chuckle. It makes its way up to a full-on cackle as he watches Dean both explain and defend himself to Jack with rosy cheeks.

            Dean, having had enough pushes his chair angrily away from the table and storms away.

            “Dean!” Jack calls after him, “Where are you going?”

            “To kick some heavenly douchebags in their ‘bottoms’!”


End file.
